This blog is about my life. The new life I am creating moment by moment. There are posts reflecting my optimistic views of the future and my fears of the same. But this post is intended to set the record straight. It is about me letting go of the fear that I have held on to for years. It is about drawing a line in the sand for myself. It is about confession and perseverance and faith. This is the final installment. You should read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 so this will all make sense.
This is Part 4: My Full Circle Moment (thank you Oprah for coining that). As a small refresher from Part 3 – Faith, I realized that I had to give up complete control to God to really truly experience a full relationship with Him. That saying it and then doing what I wanted to do with a part of my life was not going to give me the results that I wanted. As an active expression of faith I have to relinquish all control.
That meant I had to completely stop interacting with the male Christian who had befriended me earlier in the year. Mind you, let me be clear, there was nothing, I repeat, nothing going on. But it was just this distraction that I was using to bolster my self-esteem and give me a false sense of security. Nothing more, nothing less. Our occassional conversation made me feel more confident, more capable, just… more. Now maybe you are thinking, what’s the big deal? You’re just talking and he’s just a friend. That’s exactly what I told myself for a while. But the point is what it did for me; what it gave me…. security & confidence & peace.
Let’s resurrect Part 1 here for just a second….
- The Problem: I make men my higher power.
- The Result: Emotional bondage and failed relationships.
- The Root Cause: (Here’s the kicker) I have never fully believed or accepted that GOD IS ENOUGH.
Are you connecting the dots yet? I was allowing my male friend to give me emotionally and spiritually what I was supposed to be getting from my relationship with Christ: security & confidence & peace. It was not intentional, it was not bad. But as long as I was seeking it or getting it from my friend, then I didn’t have to rely on God. I never had to go to those lengths to fully accept that He was enough and I didn’t need anyone else.
What a scary realization! And yet, it all happened perfectly, with perfect timing and the support of a new GIRL friend. I made the decision late on a Saturday night, early Sunday hours actually, and then I went to church at Crosspoint to hear another sermon on getting in SYNC with God. What was discussed… letting God be enough. Yes, those are the words I heard over and over that morning. After the service Pastor Pete prayed with me on this very subject.
It was almost immediate that I began to see the difference. One of my concerns about letting God be enough was my real life here on earth, not my spiritual life, but daily in and out struggles and challenges. Who was going to be my cheerleader? Who was going to lend me a hand, literally? It was as if, He had just been waiting for me to really seek Him openly and completely, not with half-heartedness. That very next week several things happened.
1) My kids, my beautiful crazy brilliant kids, started being my cheerleaders. Never had they really praised me for the things I did. I mean why would they, they’re 3. But they began to tell me how proud they were of me. Proud, this is not a word they had ever used before. But sure enough, when I tied a shoe, they were proud of me. When I said we should go somewhere or do something I heard, Mom that’s a great idea!, with such sincere enthusiasm. That’s when it hit me. They will be my cheerleaders.
2) I met a new friend that just gave me confidence and support and accountability like I had not been getting from my other friends. She always tells me our meeting was a God thing. I believe she is right. She will be my cheerleader.
3) While playing with my kids at the park one day, it suddenly hit me that my pain and suffering was not without purpose. But it was to humble me and bring me to a level of understanding so that I would be a better mother for them. For their hurt, for their suffering was just about to begin when their father moved to Europe. Just as God brought them in to the world in such a unique way to help me change for the better, it was happening again. Because I can not raise them and love them and give them everything they need emotionally and spiritually, I have to rely on God to play such an important part in that process for them and for me. How can I teach them that if I don’t believe it myself? How can I raise them without a father actively participating in their lives and help them understand that God is their father if I don’t rely on Him myself? I can’t possible teach them something that I can’t grasp or haven’t experienced, right? This my friends, was my full circle moment. When all of this came in to the light and I laid in the grass with my kids beside me and we looked up at the sky at the clouds. I knew then, that it was all for them.
As I began to really grasp this concept and grow to trust it another very significant event occurred. This one may be difficult to grasp for some, but I believe it is true. After I moved on from my friendship and started trusting in God, I lost my iPod. This drove many more conversations of greater lengths with Him on my runs. It was one run in particular that I felt Christ’s presence in me like never before. I heard Him say, “I am with you.” This being the little voice inside your head, only is was strong and intense. And I cried the moment it happened. There He was. Funny, He had been there all along, but with so many distractions and so much noise I was never able to hear Him before.
As my trials have increased in frequency and severity, my level of faith has increased. Even the day we buried my grandmother, when we were life-flighting my mother to St. Louis for her head trauma that very same night, I was driving up and felt a blanket of restorative peace envelope me. I did not have to worry regardless of the outcome, I knew God was with me.
My sufferings have made me trust and believe in God’s love for me more, rather than less. Relying on Him and only Him, gives me the security, confidence and peace that I have been longing for forever.
Will I slip? Yes, I already have. Thus the delay for posting Part 4 of this series. But the good news is regardless of my faults and failures, He is with me and I can always come back around. As I have again. I will not make excuses, but it is hard to stay in the present with Christ. It is hard to continually give up control. But as new events and discoveries form in our lives, it is not always easy to see them for what they really are. It is more or less with constant prayer and actively seeking Him, does it work. But the rewards are so sweet they make it all worthwhile!