True Beauty: The Weight Of My World

This post has been churning in my head and in my gut for about two weeks now. I don’t want to write it. Yet, I’m compelled to write it. Maybe the writing will be part of the healing.

Reading this passage from A Holy Experience brought me to an all to familiar feeling.

Sometimes when I stand skin nervous, too exposed, before the hangers and the choices, his hands find the waist and finger around the bare that has stretched wrinkle thin six times and I cringe. He says it then in the light, what he whispers in the complete pitch with the door latch hooked close. I doubt that word beautiful from his lips and I shake my head and I regret hurting him, but I can’t help it. To accept it would seem a lie but he says it is his God-honest truth. Why do I argue?

The Feelings

The cringing, the doubt, the voice inside my head telling me it’s all a lie.

I feel it when John puts his hand on my waist leading me in to a restaurant or initiating a spontaneous dance in the kitchen. I feel it when my son tells me I’m beautiful in his most earnest heart-felt 4 year old way. I feel it when my daughter pats my stomach and says, “Mommy, you have a fat tummy, but I love you!”, as only 4 year old honesty will allow.

I feel it more when I am alone. When I have to get dressed, yet again. This never ending torturous process of dressing on a daily basis. The putting on and the taking off, over and over, trying so desperately to find something, anything that will not make me hate the obese image reflected in the mirror.

The disgust and the shame are overwhelming. It’s paralyzing. It’s restricting.

I hate to leave the house for fear of running in to people I know. Embarrassed at what they may think of me. What they may tell their spouses or friends about me.

I rarely socialize, even with my friends. The ones who have known me for years. The ones who know about this battle with my weight. The ones who have seen me gain and lose 40 to 60 pounds three and four times now.

I am so uncomfortable in this skin. I feels like it belongs to someone else.

And the feelings that accompany the weight are just as unbearable. They make me distant. They make me silent. It’s a gentle mix of apathy, hopelessness and nausea.

The Logic

Logically, my head knows this is not hopeless. It knows that what I am feeling is not to be trusted. It knows that I am beautiful to my son and I am loved by my daughter. It knows that John is telling me the truth, his truth, when he says I am as beautiful as the day he met me. (I am jealous of that 15 year old girl.)

Logically, my head knows that how I look physically is not important. It knows that where I am spiritually is the most important. It knows that regardless of what the scale says, or what anyone else says, God loves me and my heart and thinks I am His beautiful creation. This I know is true.

My head also knows how to fix this, how to change it, how to make it right.

My head knows how to turn around an obese BMI score of 31.5 to a healthy 24. Heck, I’ve done it multiple times. Last summer I was a size 8, the summer before that a size 4, and finally the summer before that a size 16, just like today.

The Struggle

What my head doesn’t know is how to stop letting the feelings control my actions.

At least for today.


Semi-All-Natural-Homeopathic-Hot-Toddy-Sans Booze!

My semi-all-natural-homeopathic-hot-toddy-sans booze: Teavana Silver Needle white tea, apple cider vinegar, lemon juice & Ideal sweetener.

I looked up several home made remedies for a sore throat when John was sick with his Man Cold. Most of them involved water, apple cider vinegar and honey. I decided to alter the brew a bit to suit my own tastes and needs.

8oz. Teavana Silver Needle White Tea – hot
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 packet Ideal sweetener
  1. I chose white tea versus water for its antioxident properties. Here are some of the health benefits:
    1. Extremely high amount of antioxidants
    2. May inhibit the growth of certain forms of cancer
    3. May reduce fine lines and wrinkles.
    4. Excellent for skin and complexion
    5. Least processed (steamed and dried)
    6. Approximately 1% of the caffeine in a cup of coffee.
  2. I added lemon juice for taste. Just because.
  3. I used Ideal sweetener versus honey because I really don’t need the extra calories and I’m out of honey! Ideal is more than 99% natural. It’s made from xylitol, a natural sweetener found in fruits & veggies.

I gotta say, I’m not a tea drinker. But the white tea is mild and very high in antioxidents, more so than green tea from what I understand, plus it doesn’t taste funny. So I figured it’s just better than water.

All together, it’s tasty, makes my throat feel better and clears up my sniffles a bit too! Good for ya, good in ya, drink up!

Tea Tree Oil-Must Have Medical Fix All

Melaleuca Tea Tree Oil

I don’t usually talk about products on my blog, but this I can’t help but share with you. And actually everyone I see!

It’s Melaleuca Tea Tree Oil!

I started using Melaleuca products 4 months ago after learning a bit about them and their company. I was very skeptical, but hoping for the best.

Now I can say for sure that I have been more than impressed with several products and this is one of them.

It is a cure all for so many things, I can’t even list them all. But from personal experience I can attest to 2 major discoveries about using Tea Tree Oil.

1) John’s been suffering from eczema in his ears since high school. He’s tried everything from specialty creams to prescription ointments with no luck. Until now! Within 3 days he had significant improvement and within 5 days it was gone! 20 years of suffering from this irritating skin condition and now it is gone. All it took was a little swab of this on a qtip.

2) I burned my thumb on a 450 degree oven rack. Ouch! It covered the major of the top of my thumb including the knuckle. Yes, I got it good for sure. It was blistering up within minutes. I ran cold water over it and then went for the Melaleuca Tea Tree Oil. I had read that it worked on burns. So I applied it once after I did it that evening and once before I went to bed that night. The next morning I woke to find the blistering gone, redness faded, pain eliminated! It was not even tender to the touch. I showed John and he could not believe it. I only applied it TWICE and it was gone. All the aloe in the world couldn’t do make a burn disappear.

Like I said before I’m the skeptic. I’m not in to holistic medicine. I’ve been raised and more often than not doctor myself and my family with the typical pharmaceutical remedies from Walgreen’s shelves. But this has opened my eyes to more options.

I think my family and I will be healthier because of it. 🙂

Give it a try, you won’t be disappointed!