Java4Two: Bellies Up

I haven’t posted in over a month and I will post about that shortly, but man this I couldn’t pass up. My friend, @Java4Two outdid herself for making me ‘bust a gut’ (pun, so seriously intended)!

redneck

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Blah Girls: Ashton Kutcher’s Weekly Play Date

If you don’t know BlahGirls.com it’s time to check them out. When a lot of stars are ignoring the media frenzy or lashing out at them (sometimes physically), the truly unique personality of Ashton Kutcher comes shining through in this parody of media impact & Hollywood influence on 3 young girls. It’s freakin’ hilarious. New episodes every Monday and on occasion there is a great flick posted by @aplusk. (That’s Ashton’s twitter name) And if you’re not already following the dynamic duo on Twitter, please do. They get real, are very transparent (including Twitpics of Bruce Willis in his PJs) and are setting the standard for Hollywood to follow. Follow them here: @aplusk & @mrskutcher.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends!

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

What If the Hokey Pokey IS Really What It’s All About?

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t for You

I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

God must love stupid people…He made SO many.

God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t reelect them!

 A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

 When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

 Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

 If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

 I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

 The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.

 I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 Friction is a drag.

 I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!

 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Atheism is a non-prophit organization.

 If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

 While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

 I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 The sex was so good, the neighbors had a cigarette.

 If you smoke after sex, your doing it to fast.

 If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

 Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

 Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

 LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Dear Tech Support,

Blogging_WritingDear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
———————————————————————–
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved Me.exe’, try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0. It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

A Southern Compliment?

“Darn* girl, you are so fine I would walk five miles barefoot, over snow-covered, broken glass just to throw a rock at the truck that carries your dirty panties to the laundry.”

* substitute replacement profanity
 
Seriously?
That works for You?
What exactly do you say to that?
Can you believe a guy actually said this to me? Yes, he was sober.
Now I know we’re in the South. And I absolutely love it!
But my oh my, that is as country as it gets.
Hey Ang: I’ll trade you for the pool boy!

Bedtime Prayers: My Little Ham & The Hard of Hearing Edition

Let me start by apologizing. I still havent figured out how to turn the video. But it’s still darling!!!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “My Little Ham & His Nighttime Prayers…“, posted with vodpod

Jacob has started requesting to be videotaped at different times. I first capture his night time prayers a few months ago. He likes to say them on his own and he has recently started leaving verses out. But it is his and he’s adorable if I do say so myself. I’m so glad I started saying this with them when they were about 19 mo old. Now they request to say their prayers even for nap and every time they get up in the night to go potty.


Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Nighttime Prayers – The Hard of Heari…“, posted with vodpod

If Jacob gets taped you can better believe Emma has to as well. I first capture her night time prayers a few months ago. While Jacob like to do his own thing, it’s typically a tag team event for Emma. I didnt think she had it memorized until 1 day she just told me “Mama, no say it.” Here she’s being the clown bc I told her I couldnt hear her at first.

 

 

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

 

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine. 

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. 

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost  immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents that you never knew you had.  Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. 

White Wine may not be right for  everyone.  Women  who are  pregnant should not use White Wine.  However,  women who  wouldn’t mind  becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.  

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea,  vomiting, incarceration,  erotic lustfulness, loss of  motor control, loss  of clothing, loss of  money, delusions of grandeur, headache,  dehydration, dry  mouth,  and a desire to sing Karaoke.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

 WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most.

IMAGINE WHAT WE MAY ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

Ask your doctor or pharmacist for more information.

I’ve Got A New Boyfriend!

I Heart.... Matt

I Heart Matt

His name is Matt. He’s a little on the shy side, so we dont go out in public together – we’re home bodies! I havent known him very long, but he really gets me. It’s like we’ve known each other forever. Ahhhhhh…… He is so sweet. He has an amazing heart & is so deep. I know what you’re thinking… I’ve had really bad luck with musicians. But this time is different. I swear. I can tell he’s really into me too because…. get this…. he writes me songs and sings them to me!!!! OMG! I mean he knows exactly what to say to me to make me weak in the knees!  Check this out!

The one below is my current fav. I thought it was so good that I convinced him to put it on iTunes. He did. So consider yourselves lucky! You can find it under his name Matt Nathanson.  Go download it today! 

Come On Get Higher

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what’s next
I’d make you believe
I’d make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what’s next
I’d make you believe
I’d make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

Ooo Ooo Ooo…
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It’s all wrong, it’s all wrong
It’s all wrong, it’s so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
‘Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.