This blog is about my life. The new one I am creating moment by moment. This post is two in a series of four. It is intended to accomplish one thing and one thing only: It is about setting the record straight. It is about me letting go of the fear that I have held on to for years and getting naked in front of the world. It is about drawing a line in the sand for myself. It is about confession and perseverance and faith. Let me continue with Part 2.
PERSEVERANCE: When my ex filed for divorce, I was not too surprised that it actually happened. I knew I had to put on my business hat and make a new life for the two precious children depending on me. This was not the time to break down. Besides my eyes were opened by a new christian friend that I was strong, smart and full of life. Most importantly, I had the opportunity to make a whole new life, a better life, for my children and me.
Yes, for the first couple of months I had a new friend, a cheerleader, who encouraged me. Yes, it was a man and I was falling in to my old comfort zone. Yes, it was a bad idea, especially after surprising confessions of his feelings for me. Yes, that ended as we both realized it was wrong. I already knew I had a problem with serial relationships. I didn’t know the root cause or what to do about it, but I knew without question I was in need of a man diet in the worst way. Besides that, it was just plain wrong.
So there I was very alone and hurt. I had lost my husband, some of my old friends (his friends), my new friend and my self-esteem again. I was not getting a lot of emotional support from my close friends or family. They didn’t really understand the changes I was making in my life. While they helped logistically, etc.; it was tough for them to verbally affirm what I was doing. How was I going to get through this? How was I going to build a new life when I didn’t know what I wanted? Who was going to be my cheerleader?
I have tried to exercise perseverance in two key areas of my life to endure this journey. The first being the physical perseverance. That is just getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. When you don’t feel like greeting the world with a smile or even greeting it. But Emma and Jacob often remind me that it’s just not about me. This part of perseverance can be tough. There is a reason for pharmaceutical ads claiming depression hurts. But I am not one to wallow. Oh, I have my moments, which I think are cathartic when the kids are not here. But I have also employed the aid of my marriage counselor turned personal therapist and most importantly, I run. And when I don’t run, I’m anxious and just plain bitchy. So I do try to run and follow my training plan for my physical as well as mental health.
Cheryl Smith shared a most excellent quote with me on this very topic a couple weeks ago. I think it exemplifies the idea that you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, literally.
When you are going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill
While I went on about my days acting for the most part normal; it was also at this time that inside I felt utterly detached. Not just from people, but from God. I had the kids to look after and I could not spend that time dealing with their grief, as well as mine, so mine was pushed aside. Then came my moments alone. When the emotion would envelope me and I would cry out to God looking for answers, direction, anything… Why? I’m never going to be enough for them [twins]! Please make the hurt stop! I’m so sorry for making a disaster of this life I was given! I can’t do this any more!
It is those gut-wrenching times that tore my heart open and made me feel as it there was nothing left. I’d lay on the floor in a million little pieces and even though the tears would be gone, I was broken and spent. It was in these times, at least for me, when I felt a connection to God. I read a quote by Brock Gill on Auny Gill’s website that has stayed with me since I read it back in April.
“When you come to the end of yourself, that’s where God is.” ~ Brock Gill
I understood that. It was always in my break downs that I felt like I was connecting in a very pure way. But during the regular stuff, normal days, even really good times, thankful times; I felt nothing. That I didn’t understand. What was wrong with me?
I knew that I wanted to connect. I prayed to connect. Over and over again. Please God, come into my life and take me. I am Yours. I need you to take charge of my life and do with me what you will. Yet there was nothing. I prayed every day. Read my devotional every day. Went to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Started listening to Christian Music. Stopped cursing (which was a nasty little habit I had). Nothing. Nada.
What am I doing wrong? Enter Pete Wilson & Crosspoint Church & this little series on SYNC. Basically it’s all about what to do when you are out of sync with God, or stalled in your spiritual life. OK, so I’m going to have to cheat on TPC again and head over to CP to check it out. Because I’m dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s and coming up empty. But this is something I have to achieve. I know He is here. I know He is with me. I have to persevere in my pursuit of Him. Something will give, eventually. At least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.
Let me fill you in on a little secret right now. You can dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s you want, but until you let go of some of the things you know are not right and embrace some of the truths that are, you may just not get the results you are expecting. And that’s where faith comes in…
Til next time.