Is it really happening to me? I won’t know for sure until the end of next week according to the nurse. That is a best case scenario. It could be as long as two more weeks. Although, I’ve already waited that long thus far, what is two MORE weeks. Well, in total it is a month. One month to contemplate whether or not I have cancer.
And I have not reacted exactly as I imaged. Not that I ever before imagined having cancer. But I suppose that if someone were to tell me it was a possibility, I would expect my reaction to be wrapped up in disbelief, tears, fear, anger….
It’s not fair.
What am I going to do?
But instead, it’s been more like….
Why not me? Not in a self-deprecating way, but more so as in a – I’m 43 years old, cancer seems to be a roll of the dice and I just rolled craps – way.
Life is not fair. God never said it would be fair. There is sin in the world and bad things happen to good people.
There is nothing I can do. It is truly out of my hands as to what my final fate will be. God’s plan for my life is just that, His.
I’m am not putting on a brave front or trying to be all stoic about it. And I’m certainly not okay with it. But I don’t have very many tragic feelings swirling around in my head. Maybe I am numb.
Numb is a great, non-committal place to be. It is in the land of numb that I resided when the kids were first born at 27 weeks. Numb allows me to function. It allows me to still laugh with the kids, make dinner, work. Numb helps me take it day by day – step by step.
Step 1: Doctor’s appointment
Step 2: Another Doctor’s appointment
Step 3: Blood test
Step 4: Wait
Step 5: Harass Doctor for lack of response
Step 6: Wait
Step 7: Schedule ultrasound
Step 8: Have ultrasound and watch the screen show chaotic bloodflow to 4 tumors.
Step 9: Wait
Step 10: Harass Doctor for lack of response
Step 11: Schedule biopsy
Step 12: Harass Doctor for earlier appointment
Step 13: Have biopsy on Monday
That is where I am when I write this – Step 13 – oh the irony is laughable. But I don’t, laugh. Because I am numb.