This blog is about my life. The new life I am creating moment by moment. There are posts reflecting my optimistic views of the future and my fears of the same. Some posts have been about my hobbies both new and old like running and cooking. There is also a sprinkling of editorials filled with sarcasm and innuendo, as well as the occasional humorous fodder intended as nothing more than brain candy.
But this post, this one is intended to accomplish one thing and one thing only: It is about setting the record straight. It is about me letting go of the fear that I have held on to for years and getting naked in front of the world. It is about drawing a line in the sand for myself. It is about confession and perseverance and faith. Let me begin.
CONFESSION: I have a problem with men. Let me clarify this statement before your mind wanders. My first boyfriend ‘quit me’, as the local vernacular described it, as I was entering high school. Trauma ensued. My insecurities and self doubt exploded. This coupled with genetic predisposition for OCD set in motion a very unhealthy pattern in my future relationships. I’d date someone for 3 years, it would end and typically I’d be in the next relationship within a couple of months if not weeks. Many of these unions were dysfunctional in one form or another, especially as I was grew older. Let’s suffice it to say that at the end of each relationship, I honestly believed I had grown, changed and would not make the same mistakes again.
This divorce proved me wrong. Many hours of marriage counseling, personal therapy and soul-searching have led me to one very simple conclusion… I have made men my higher power. Whether it was my alcoholic boyfriend in college or my dysfunctional abusive ex-husband; I eventually let them become my source of validation, at least partially. The result was always the same. I end up oppressed, verbally abused and emotionally orphaned leaving me raw and so not ready for the next relationship. But that was where I sought my comfort. Thus the cycle.
The hardest part of this has been realizing the cycle is perpetuated by my own inability to see my contribution to it. Let me explain that better. In business, I’m very confident and pride myself on being top of it all. I’m the one people seek to solve their problems, define the new vision or execute the impossible. However, in my personal life, I am quite the schmuck. In fact, it is almost the total opposite. Figuring out how that came to be is a therapist’s monetary dream, but pointless. It all boils down to this…
- The Problem: I make men my higher power.
- The Result: Emotional bondage and failed relationships.
- The Root Cause: (Here’s the kicker) I have never fully believed or accepted that GOD IS ENOUGH.
Just saying it scares me and forever it has confused me. How on earth is that even remotely possible? Jesus’s second coming is not about being physically present here to comfort me. Putting His arms around me at night, when I’m alone and crying and holding me til I fall asleep – not going to happen. Calling me on the cell phone or even sending me a text or a Tweet with an “ATTA GIRL!”- not going to happen. Taking the twins off my hands because it’s been a long week and I need some repreave to go run or just be still with myself – not going to happen. So how can anyone tell me the God is enough?
This is Part 1 of a 4 Part Series. Please check back for the next segment on PERSEVERANCE.
This is a part of Watercooler Wednesday by Ethos.