Running through the pain

Well, for those of you who read my WCW poetry I hope it was not too disturbing. The emotions that flowed from the poem are about the last six years of my marriage, specifically the last two, which were the most brutal and emotionally devastating. This is what I wanted to discuss. How do you get through the pain?  

On Wednesday I worked out with a personal trainer at the YMCA. He showed me different exercises and explained them. I like to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing because it helps me to visualize what is happening to my body, my muscles. I was enjoying it until he asked me to do this ridiculous elevated split lunge on two step stools. Seriously?  

Right now, training for me has one main goal of improving my running. One way we work to meet this goal is to improve my hip strength & motion. So facing the two stools, I climbed up knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it.  And it did hurt; my legs were on fire that night! The next day I could barely walk and it was a run day for me. What to do?

Do I put myself through more pain running? Or do I rest and recoup? What would be the best decision to help me prepare for the 5K on Saturday? I wanted to go take a bath. But instead, I went texting for help from Mr. Tri Guy. He said - Go run! So I went to the Y knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it. (Are you seeing the theme yet?)

The day that I realized that I could not fix my husband, nor was it my responsibility was a painful day. I felt like a failure. But what I had endured for years as an adult was not acceptable for my kids. They couldn’t understand his addictions or rages, they just suffered it and I had to protect them. I had to take the next step knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it.  I asked him for a separation, promising not to divorce him if he would get help. I knew separating would be painful, but I hoped he would work through his issues and want us back, thus it would be worth it in the end.

He served me with divorce papers 1 week later.  

Sometimes we have to make hard painful choices in life, such as ending a relationship or a marriage. But you have to look beyond the pain to the future and realize that as much is it may hurt, eventually it will take you to a better place. Like running when my legs were dead. I knew it was going to hurt, but I knew it would be better for the weekend run.   

This is how I’ve had to face my divorce. I know it is going to be painful for me, and my kids, at times. Moving out was painful, losing some friends has been painful and hearing my daughter cry because she wants Daddy to live with us in the new house is painful. And with those days, those moments, I run through them or write through them to help get through the pain. It also helps knowing that it is only temporary, even on the worse days, because there is always another day.  

These are the days I look to… the days beyond. These days give me hope. These days inspire me to keep building a life for me and my kids that will bring us more joy and peace. These days are open and priceless because they are my days. Now I have the freedom to make miracles happen, to make dreams come true.

That is exactly what I’m doing my friends. Isn’t that exciting?! Some of my friends and family do not understand the choices I am making right now… blogging, twittering, changing careers. It’s baffling for them that I’m 39 becoming a girl geek who wants to be involved in missions. But isn’t that the best example I can set for my kids? Isn’t that the best thing I can do for them? Let them be witness to my life and how you face tragedy and pain and look to the future and reach out to help others and keep pushing forward.  I know it will be self evident in the long run. I am going to make a positive difference in my life, my kids’ lives and in the lives of others. I’m going to make miracles happen and dreams come true! Stay tuned to see how I do… J 

Ten Thousand Tears

Ten thousand tears melt my eyes, burn my skin

As the crumbling little pieces of me collide.

Silent screams inside my heart, shame my sin 

With deeply fractured soul in darkness I abide.

 

Tis tortured truth light can not bear to hear

So forced expressions mirror what the world doth see

Downcast eyes with crooked smile hide the fear

Now i rest, head in hands and time stands still for me.

 

Ten thousand tears melt my eyes, burn my skin

As the crumbling little pieces of me collide.

Forever wrecked oh my soul aches within

Torments me, rips my heart causing a great divide.

 

Will I ever be whole again?

 

 

 

You all asked for more. Here it is, a bit darker. No a lot darker. But it is what it is and brought to you as a part of Ethos Water Cooler Wednesday.

Things Younger Than John McCain

John McCain, as we’re constantly reminded, would be the oldest human being ever to assume the office. A cheeky new website — Things Younger Than McCain — has a whole lotta fun with the senator’s chronological-outlier status, gleefully pointing out things that have come into existence since his DOB (8/29/36). For instance, Israel is younger. And FM radio!

This one had me laughing. It was really amazing some of the stuff listed. For instance: Spam, Keith Richards (now this is a clear cut example of what lifestyle will do to someone - he looks a lot older than McCain) and Alaska.  

 

Compliments of VSL. 

Pick Your Battles Wisely

Speaking of Silence

Worship at The People’s Church had a great message today. It was about noise and about silence. It wrapped up the last in a series on prayer. After Michael sang a bit, we were met with a video from Rob Bell about noise in our life. The noise all around us. Then the screen went blank. And the next few minutes the sanctuary was completely silent (except for the coughers - gee, sounded like cold & flu season). Then on the screen the video played - just words, no music, no talking, nothing but silence and words. It was awesome.

Why are we so uncomfortable in silence? It’s beyond just work and family and social time. Even when we are alone, are we really alone or do we talk on our cell phone or Twitter with someone about what we are eating for lunch?   (Sidenote: My Mother’s Day Lunch compliments of 2.5 yr old twins - hot dogs & bananas) 

I know when I get a moments peace to myself: I blog. If I can’t blog, I get on my cell phone and try to connect with someone I haven’t talked to in a while or turn on the tv or listen to my ipod.  I always thought I did this because it’s much easier to do it in the peace & quiet without the kids vs. with them in the room.  Then I thought about it some more. And I really came up with one conclusion: I am not comfortable in my own skin in complete solitude. 

To be alone with my thoughts really makes me nervous. I need distraction. So why is that? Right now I think it’s because of the stress in my life of going through the divorce and some of the relationship problems I’m having with friends and my apparent lack of employability.  See, just writing about it makes me depressed. I really need to distract myself and stay busy to avoid thinking about the things that have went wrong.

I would rather focus on putting to action a plan of what is going to happen in the future.  To do that takes noise. I’m an energy person. I need stuff going on to keep me going on.  But what about this plan am I leaving up to God? How am I engaging Him to help me? In prayer, of course. But what am I doing to listen to what he says to me to lead me? Ummm, basically nothing.  I’m like a 1 yr old on Baby Einstein crack videos. I need input. I need noise. There was one particular quote in the video that I loved. In summation it asked What would happen if we spent as much time in prayer and silence as we did discussing our problems with friends, family & shrinks.  That really spoke to me. Because I love me some good head-shrinking! (excuse me, therapists - I call mine, my shrink, he knows it & thinks it’s humourous)Mind you, Dr. F, started out as our marriage counselor and evolved into my therapist because he already had the history. Thanks goodness!  I would hate to have to recant that whole mess of a marriage to anyone. 

well, at the end of the service, when there was a bit more music and offering time. These words came to me…

The Voice inside

  Speaks through the noise

 

I do not listen

  I can not hear

 

  Unless I am silent

  Unless I am still

  Unless I am open

    To accept His will

What Ispires Me…

Spence’s post yesterday asked the question, “What inspires you?”.  He had compiled a list of 25. And I thought about it for a while. What does inspire me? Sometimes I feel no inspiration at all. In reality I think the opportunity is there we just miss it because we are not paying attention. We are too busy. The fleeting nature of musings and inspiration can be gone in just a moment. 

Well, after a bit I came up with my 25. Or 30. Or 40. Amazingly once I started thinking about moments in my life that spur me to action or bring a tear to my eye or take my breath away; the list just kept getting longer and longer.  How blessed that makes me feel.  Here’s what I whittled it down to…

1. A Good Movie, Book or Blog Post
2. Inspiring Others
3. Writing
4. The moment I realize I’m in love
5. Looking at pictures of my kids in the NICU
6. Conversations with my heros – mentors, dreamers, fearless people, YOU.
7. The voice of the one I love
8. A great glass of wine & dinner at the French Laundry or Paris Hotel
9. Cooking a great meal to be shared with someone special
10. The smell of rain
11. Watching ‘heat lighting’ light up the summer night sky.
12. Standing at the top of Heavenly, the first ski run of the trip & looking at Lake Tahoe.
13. The sight of the rocky mountains, especially the view from The Canyons
14. The sunset view in Franklin TN in the backyard of my 1st house (untouched acres)
15. The misty spray of the ocean hitting my face
16. Riding in a hot air balloon
17. Riding in a convertible w/ the top down, the music loud and a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Fields   (Ha! It makes me feel like I’m 17 again! Oops, I mean 21 Oops, I mean we were parked, we never drank while driving. This is not a good one for kids to read.)
18. Watching my kids lift their hands in praise at church on 1st Weds.
19. Watching my son never give up trying to dribble a basketball half his size.
20. Watching my daughter paint
21. That feeling you get after a great run, especially if it’s a new PR
22. The light in my kids eyes when they get it!
23. Discovering a new city/country for the first time.
24. Hearing a great song at the right moment that brings you to tears
25. Waking up to “Good Morning Mama”

What inspires you? What takes your breath away? What makes you want to get behind the keyboard and write? Share that today will you?

PS. As I write this Jacob is drippling the basketball in the living room. It is hillarious!  It almost dripples him. My little man! He’s a champ in my eye!

Applying LifeWorks 2.0

So I sat in LifeWorks 2.0 today with a ton of awesome bloggers like JVo from Vertizontal, Brody Harper and Vicky Beeching.  We were led by the dynamic duo of BlogFather - Randy Elrod & BlogSon - Spence Smith.  I learned so much I thought my head would expode. From all the bloggy basics to more advanced applications, such as: Carnivals, Twitter, Pingbacks, Mogulus, YouTube, Linky Love, (that’s Linky, not Kinky) Permalinks, etc. It was all there. 

So what am I doing up at 12:08 am on Wednesday? I am already applying in real life what I learned in LifeWorks. 

I’ve been participating in Randy’s  blog carnival  - Water Cooler Wedsnesday’s for a while now.  And I’ve received a lot of traffic because of it. I try to make my posts relevant to culture, arts or technology.  Sometimes I don’t do a very good job, but other days my blog rocks with traffic because of posts like this.

I also participate in another blog carnival  hosted by Rocks in My Dryer called Works For Me Wednesday. I have not done a very good job of posting relevant things there. And I’m feeling guilty because I’m not following the rules very well or  keeping it real  or  providing compelling content. :(  

So tonight, or today however you want to look at it, I decided to dedicate two unique posts to each carnival and make them count. I wrote by post for WFMW first, you can read it here. And can I tell you how excited I was to post it and be #72.  Yes, #72 - that’s like blog carnival prime real estate for WFMW because this carnival gets well over 200 posts.  That’s a lot of links and a lot of things to read. So it you post in the front of a carnival you get more traffic.  You also have to post with a good title tag. What better than to tell people How to Get Free Stuff. I’d say that would compel anyone to look.

Here’s the beauty and the mystery of the blogosphere all coming to light. While I was there I glanced at some of the other early posts. And I’d StumbleUpon a post by Karla called How Not To Be A Twitter Nit Wit.  This was awesome!  It gave me, a Twitter neophyte, a great lesson on applications to use with Twitter.  Now, don’t get me wrong Randy & Spence did a great job of explaining Twitter at LifeWorks 2.0 and how to use it and why to use it.  But this took things to another level for me. It’s more of an Advanced Twitter lesson. 

This was also a good exercise to apply what I learned in LifeWorks 2.0.  Why?

1. I participated in 2 blog carnivals that I got in on early (by staying up late)
2. I posted on Carnival 1 with compelling content, a good title tag and kept it real.
3. Which led me to meet another blogger , via Linky Love, Karla, who is also from Nashville and a great mom blogger.
4. She offered at the end of her post to follow her on Twitter, which I did. And I’m hoping she will follow me because participating in social networking is crucial to blogging success. (Participate in LifeWorks 2.0 to find out why).
5. I also added a thoughtful comment to her blog and invited her to coffee. Seeing she is an experienced blogger, I’m hoping we can connect & share.
6. And I got to post all of this today on Carnival 2 and provide you all a lesson in cultural media.

Why do all of this?     To…  BUILD THE COMMUNITY …  because when we do…  RISING TIDES LIFT ALL SHIPS!

Thanks BlogGranddad & BlogDad for such great lessons today at LifeWorks 2.0

Sending My Best,

Amy     (I am actually a BlogGrandDaughter, in this grand scheme!)

PS. For those who missed LifeWorks 2.0, this is just the first millimeter tip of the iceberg that is LifeWorks. Send a request to Randy or Spence to hold another class quick.  You really can’t afford to miss it again!

How To Get Free Stuff! WFMW

Hey! We all like to get free stuff right?  Well, I’ve found that most free stuff offers on the internet have a catch.  But the one I’m sharing with you today really doesn’t if you use it correctly.

The Website:  MyPoints   www.mypoints.com

How It Works: 

1. You create a free account. 
2. MyPoints sends you email.  (OK, so some people may consider this paying a price!) 
3. You click through to the site they are advertising in the email and you collect points.
4. You also collect points by taking advantage of special offers on the site that require no credit card to be registered.
5. You also collect points by shopping from the site as a home base.

How To Do It Correctly:

1. Clicking through 2 to 3 emails a day, really adds up in points. You don’t have to stay on the website, you don’t have to register with the website. You just have to let the webpage load and then you can close it.  I don’t even look at them half the time. Simple.
2. Shop on the website for things you would normally shop for on the internet.  For instance, when I send florwers, I do it through MyPoints. It doesn’t cost any more. Plus, most of the time the florist has a special deal for MyPoints users that you would not receive by visiting the website directly. I order business cards through Vista Print. It has amazingly cheap products. Tons of specials. Plus, 300 points for every order.
3. THIS IS CRITICAL:  Do not get caught up in advertising and shopping for things you do not need or would not purchase directly via the internet to begin with.  This is where one can get caught up and it will end up really costing you.  Then it turns out that it is really not free.

What Do You Get:

Options for anything from gift cards to Starbucks, Home Depot, Chili’s, Marriott, Macy’s, Walmart, etc. Basically, there is something for everyone.  Or you can donate your points to charities such as the Red Cross.

How Does It Work For Me:

Great!  I’ve received $100 of dollars in gift cards to Home Depot, Spa’s, etc.  For example a $50 gift card to Linens N Things takes 6,350 point.  I’ve been a member since June 2000 and have racked up over 111,000 points. That’s almost 14000 points a year or $100 to JCPenney or $90 to Starbucks.  All for doing what I normally do anyway.

Do MyPoints for Free Stuff because It Works For Me!

Amy’s MyPoints Stats

Point Balance - 8574 Points

Pending - 75 Points

Available to Redeem - 8499 Points

Lifetime earned - 111574 Points

Lifetime redeemed - 103000 Points

 

Material Girl

I’m moving!!! The contract on the house went through. So Thursday of this past week I spent with my Dad and later on my neighbor, Steve, and brother in law, Tim, moving most of my large furniture and things to the new house in downtown Franklin.  It was a trying day. My Dad’s truck was not working, he fell on my stairs, I had 2 appointments I could not cancel so I was not there to help the entire time and we kept my brother in law out way past his bedtime.  But in the end we accomplished a lot and my stuff is in the new house. Well some of it anyway. Yeah!!!

Here’s the interesting part.  This is my current house. The brick one with the garage.  And from it I am taking quite a bit of furniture. Not everything, but 3 bedrooms worth and kitchen table & chairs, playroom stuff, washer & dryer, etc. 

This is my new house…..  Yeah, I’m losing over 2200 sq. ft. OUCH!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I love it.  It’s just what I was wanting. A 1940’s cottage in downtown Franklin with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths.  The backyard is fenced in and there are young kids for neighbors. It’s charming.  The inside has a fireplace & original cast iron tub and so much potential it’s crazy.  From the first moment I walked in, I saw the future beauty this little gem has stored inside just waiting for someone to bring it out.  It’s one of my passions, rehabbing.  I’ve been meaning to write about that on my passions page.  Maybe I will document the rehab of this house. But I digress…

My problem, which really is not a problem in the grand scheme of life, is that my furniture does not fit!  Nothing, seriously. If I put my queen size sleigh bed in the largest bedroom there’s no room for my dresser. I may have enough room for the sweater chest, but it would be at a really odd angle.  The kids room is packed with 2 toddler beds, 1 chest and 1 armoire.  The living room will not hold my sectional & coffee table & tv - not going in, we didn’t even try.  My sister keeps telling me I have to get rid of my furniture and buy smaller pieces. 

I’m thinking, no way!  Absolutely not!!!  I spent a lot of money on that furniture and I slaved over picking out just the perfect pieces to create this really comfy life.  I will squeeze it in. I will store it. I will make it work. He’s (exTBD) is getting it. It’s mine, we’ve already agreed to that and I’ll get nothing for it if I try to sell it.

Is this story making you sick yet? Because it is me. I know, this is pathetic, right?  I’m whining about my big furniture problem fitting into my tiny 1358 sq ft house. While so many of the children I have learned about from Compassion are living in houses that are 10 x 10 (100 sq ft) with their entire families! Like 5+ people.

Who am I? What happened to the girl who was raised not to attach emotion and ridiculous value on material things? How do we become this way? What make us, as a society, value possessions so much when so much of the world has so little?  

And here’s the big kicker… some of them see themselves as rich compared to us (Americans). And they are right!  Do you know why? Because they are not defining their wealth based on their material possessions.  They are defining their wealth based on the joy and salvation they have found in Christ. 

Don’t get me wrong, poverty is not glamorous nor does it automatically qualify you for sainthood.  But what does it do to someone who has little to no possessions or hope? It makes them appreciate what they do have and if they are lucky to find Christ it allows them to find their wealth in Him.  Now I’m the one who is jealous.

I used to be more like my exTBD, focused on career, money, things. It’s easy to get wrapped up it when you have two nice paying jobs and no kids.  There’s a lot of money to play with and it’s fun.  But having the twins the way I did (read about that in here) changed my paradigm.  Money was no longer the focus of my life.  I did not define myself by my title at work or how much money I made or where I shopped. 

Yet last year I could not fathom a divorce because I would have to give up my big house that I picked out, that I decorated.  By the time he served me with papers, I had made my peace with that. It’s just a house. A house filled with a lot of pain. Time to move on. Did I learn my lesson? No, because last week I could not fathom giving up my furniture. Furniture!  Stuff! Material things that I had invested so much in emotionally that the idea of parting with them was painful.  Man, Mom and Dad were right, I really do learn the hard way!

So what am I doing today? Participating in the neighborhood yard sale. Unfortunately do to the weather and my lack of planning, I’ve only sold 3 things for $13.80. Yeah, not the best turnout. But that’s ok. I think I am where I need to be mentally and emotionally.  I’m going to try to renegotiate with exTBD to give me some cash in lieu of the furniture and the majority of things that do not sell will be going to good will.  There are people who need this stuff much more than I do, that’s for sure! 

Question… Have you found yourself wrapped up in the material world like me? Valuing your life based on things you shouldn’t or putting too much emotion into your possessions?  If you have, what did you do about it? Are you still there or have you moved on?

 

Silly Little Poem

Wow!  I just had to post on this because I didn’t know what else to do.

I can’t say Thank You All!  enough for the positive response I have received on my silly little poem - Breaking Free. 

I was nervous about posting it. I’ve never went public with anything that I’ve written like this before. It just didn’t seem good enough or finished or whatever.

You all are such a creative and talented group of writers and artists. So it means all the more to hear it from you. I am inspired here every day by what I read on everyone’s blogs. You are certainly building up my creative side.

There is more rambling around inside my head & heart as this is such an emotional time for me. I often feel the need to put pen to paper.  Given your shot of encouraging words, I guess it’s time I did it.

Thank you again!  Thank you for making me brave and helping me share!