One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall
So I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Shocked? Well, I sure was. But the more I have learned about it the more it has made sense to me. It explains behaviors and traits that I thought were just bad habits or anxiety, even depression.
As it turns out, there is a lot of misinformation regarding ADHD. I used to think that anyone with ADHD couldn’t focus or pay attention, struggled with school and/or work, and generally bounced off the walls all day. (Somewhat like my twins when they were 2 and 3) But that is not the case at all, especially for adults. Here’s a snippet of info from CHADD.org, a resource for folks like me..
Until recent years, it was believed that children outgrew AD/HD in adolescence. This is because hyperactivity often diminishes during the teen years. However, it is now known that many symptoms continue into adulthood. If the disorder goes undiagnosed or untreated during adulthood, individuals may have trouble at work and in relationships, as well as emotional difficulties such as anxiety and depression.
This makes sense… for me. In fact my diagnosis was the result of peeling back the layers surrounding my anxiety and depression that resulted from the divorce. But after post divorce healing, there was still anxiety and depression left to manage. As we dissected it, repeated themes began to emerge from periods of my life.
But first, I want to take a step back to the basics of ADHD to load up on facts and disspell some myths.
1. There are 3 subtypes of ADHD. They all present with different symptoms.
AD/HD – Primarily Inattentive Type:
• Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes, struggles to follow through on instructions.
• Has difficulty sustaining attention, avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort.
• Does not appear to listen, is easily distracted.
• Has difficulty with organization.
• Is forgetful in daily activities.
AD/HD – Primarily Hyperactive/Impulsive Type:
• Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair, has difficulty remaining seated, runs around or climbs excessively.
• Has difficulty engaging in activities quietly, talks excessively.
• Acts as if driven by a motor, has difficulty waiting or taking turns.
• Interrupts or intrudes upon others, blurts out answers before questions have been completed.
AD/HD - Combined Type: Meets both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive criteria.
2. Symptoms have to be present before the age of 7, present consistently for 6 months and significantly impact 2 areas of life (home, school, social settings, work) Most people exhibit these behaviors at some point, but it the consistency and the extent to which these symptoms present that make a diagnosis of ADHD appropriate.
3. The cause of ADHD is largely unknown, but research has established that it is neurobiological. Heredity is the main cause of proliferation.
4. Now to list some common myths: (Each link is addressed in detail in the article: Myths and Misconceptions About AD/HD: Science over Cynicism By Phyllis Anne Teeter Ellison, Ed.D.)
Myth # 1: AD/HD is Not a Real Disorder
Myth # 2: AD/HD is a Disorder of Childhood
Myth # 3: AD/HD is Over-Diagnosed
Myth # 4: Children with AD/HD are Over-medicated
Myth # 5: Poor Parenting Causes AD/HD
Myth # 6: Minority Children are Over-Diagnosed with AD/HD and are Over-Medicated
Myth # 7: Girls Have Lower Rates and Less Severe AD/HD than Boys
Quite frankly, there is so much I am processing right now, it’s a bit overwhelming. I would have never guessed that this would be a diagnosis for me. I was an Honor Student in school, but received poor marks in Talks Unnecessarily and Mischievousness. Apparently, I finished my work first, then bothered everyone else. I also excelled in my career. At one point I managed 3 programs through 5 model year changes and thousands and thousands of engineering changes and builds. I was very good at my job, especially projects. This is driven by motivation and hyperfocus (a skill most ADHD folks possess). But I struggled with repetitive tasks, the daily grind.
It’s also why I have struggled this past year. The daily grind, the mundane day in day out, the lack of motivation, the lack of a structured schedule. Moving three times, getting a house put in order, etc. is the epitome of what I detest. I get overwhelmed by the amount there is to do and get depressed when I don’t accomplish what I think I should.
The good news is there is a reason for the way my brain works and solutions to help me get headed in the right direction again.
There was a post Mom Connect requesting advice on how to get her 6yo to stop interrupting her while on the phone. I ran across the tweet and went to check it out.
One of the replies was to reward them for not interrupting. i.e. give them stickers or a prize, etc. This riled me up a bit after I thought about it. So I replied.
I used this tip from a mom who also found success. It is not a reward for not misbehaving, it is a consequence for inappropriate behavior. There are pros & cons to both, but I strongly disagree that we should reward kids for not misbehaving for general everyday activities. That’s like giving them a reward for not cussing. They begin to expect rewards for just being nice and doing the right thing. It can backfire later on in life, but that’s just my opinion. A 6 yr old is old enough to know better. This is a matter of doing it because they get away with it.
It’s a quick and easy rule: If you interrupt me on the phone, the answer will be no. Unless it is an emergency (i.e. injury, fire, etc). That’s it. It didn’t take my kids long to catch on and they are 4 yr b/g twins. It deters 80% of the “Mom, I want a….” “Mom, can I….” “Mom, can u…” There are times when they think something is an emergency, but it’s not really. Hope this helps!
I explained the situation to John as a safety check and he agreed. It IS like rewarding them for not cussing. We would never consider it.
Keep in mind I’m not against using positive recognition or reward systems. I think they are great for teaching and helping establish new behavior patterns. i.e. potty training, taking on chores, etc. I use(d) one with my kids when introducing them to their bedtime routine of cleaning their room, brushing their teeth, putting clothes away, etc. It worked great initially, but then those actions became part of the routine, most of the time anyway. So now we are in the process of moving on to bigger tasks for rewards and letting the standard baseline include the ones they have mastered.
However, I just think we often set up kids to expect rewards for doing the right thing or the responsible thing instead of just doing it because they should. We see it on TV everyday. The little sitcoms laughs at the daughter being told to help or clean up and the retort is, “What am I gonna get for it?” (hand stretched out seeking compensation) I HATE THAT!!!!
I’m not a perfect mom and I don’t have perfect kids. In fact, my kids are expert negotiators at age 4! And I basically taught them how to do it. We (me, moms, society) teach them to share. It’s one of our primary directives when navigating year 2 with a child. Sharing is about negotiating. I take my turn and then you take yours. I’ll do it 3 times, then you do it 3 times. It’s all a negotiation. And this is key because life is a myriad of negotiations in relationships, business and even self-discipline.
But… you knew it was coming… there is also a fine line drawn when it comes to what you do for compensation versus non-compensation. Getting in to interpersonal relationship and family dynamics presents more opportunities where you have to make a choice to either negotiate or just do it because.
When we begin to negotiate bad behavior with rewards versus consequences, we set ourselves as parents up to fail and ultimately we set the kids up to fail! Plus we miss an opportunity to instill a sense of pride and self-esteem for doing the right thing.
I am the worst when it comes to not realizing that I do it. John points it out to me quite often that I negotiate compliance versus expect it. He’s right. It’s typically a scenario where I’m giving a choice because that’s what we’ve been ‘educated’ to do with children. Give them choices, make them feel a part of the process, that they have some control. This is good. It is true. But not necessarily when it comes to compliance.
Like just about every other mom out there, I often wonder if I’m getting it right or screwing it up. I know I don’t have all the answers. Very few for sure. But I hope I’m making more right choices than wrong ones.
How do you see it?
I was preparing a special dinner for the evening when John called me on his way home from work and told me about the lost balloon boy.
Immediately, my mood dimmed. Significantly. This is why I don’t watch the news.
I hate to admit that I’m perfectly content living in the dark about most horrible things going on in the world. It takes its toll on me emotionally. Perhaps more than it should. This was one of those times. And it caught John off guard.
My reaction was not what either of us expected. But my kids are 4 and my nephew is 6 and I kept thinking of them in that scenario. My heart ached for his parents and for him. How scared he must have been. I can’t imagine losing a child in any manner, let alone like this.
Then they found him or he came out or whatever the story is. And I was as relieved as I was angry. Once I tried to explain to John the reaction a parent has when faced with a ‘found’ child. He didn’t get it, until today.
I had it once in the mall. My sister and I were shopping with 3 kids. Mine were 2 1/2 and my nephew was 4 1/2. We were in Parisians (aka Belk) trying on clothes. Shuffling between racks and dressing rooms and the kids, I realized Jacob was missing. She thought I had him, I thought he went with her to the room. Neither of us panicked in a screaming fashion or ran about hysterical calling out his name. He was probably just hiding under a rack of clothes, right? But what if? What if?
Every parent knows the thoughts that I fought inside my head. I forced them down because it just couldn’t happen to us and I refused to let the hysteria take place front and center. Yet as I walked around the store looking for him, the terror rose up inside me in a heated flush that spread across my face. So much so that a woman, a customer, walked right up to me and said, “That look on your face tells me your child is missing.” “Yes, a little blonde boy. He’s two, wearing an orange jacket. His name is Jacob”, I replied in a calm collected fashion. She went one way, I went the other. A few minutes passed before I heard her shout to me across the store. “He’s here. I found him.”
I rushed over, falling to my knees and hugging him as tightly as I held back the tears. Thank God! He was ok. He got under a rack and turned around and headed off in the wrong direction. But the words came spilling out anyway. You know the ones, “Don’t you ever do that again!” We had many talks about staying with an adult, not hiding under the clothes racks, blah, blah, blah. But he was 2 1/2. Old enough to follow most directions but not old enough to get it right most of the time.
I was more angry and frustrated with myself than with him. As it should be. We were the adults, the responsible ones in charge. Had we been paying more attention to him than to the clearance rack deals, it would probably have never happened. But it gave me a taste of that feeling. Of the panic button that instinctively goes off in a parent when your child is in danger. The feeling I never want to have again.
Call me crazy but as the kids started getting a little more independent and rambunctious in stores. I added a few new lines to the usual spiel. Bad people will take you away from me and hurt you very badly and you will never see mommy again.
They rarely leave my sight.
The Hug
Yes!!!
I have a week without the kids!!!
No getting up to make breakfast, no packing lunches, no fights over the TV, no baths to take, no tiffs about bedtime stories, no getting up 4 times a night for anything & everything under the sun!
I’m going to sleep in, go to the gym, hang pictures, organize the hall closet, hang pictures, scrub down the house, clean out the playroom, go to a writer’s group, fix a candlelight gourmet dinner, go dancing with John, get an overdue massage, watch the TV programs I want to watch! Awesome!
1st Night Home Alone
Me: It’s kinda of quiet.
John: I miss the kids.
Me: So do I, let’s call them
John: I was just going to suggest that!
Call the kids…
- Me: Hey Emma! What are you doing?
- Emma: Playing, is Mr John there, I want to talk to him…
- Me: Hey Jacob! I miss you buddy. What are you doing?
- Jacob: Nothing, what’s Mr John doing? Can I talk to him…
1st Day Home Alone
Sleep in, spend all day in my pjs, surf the net, do not clean, no gourmet dinner on the table.
2nd Night Home Alone
Me: What do you want to do?
John: Nothing, just relax & watch TV.
Me: Me too.
(Flip, flip, flip)
Me: There’s nothing on.
2nd Day Home Alone
Sleep in, dream I kiss Brad Pitt, wake up with a migraine. At 2:30, I’m still in my pjs. No cleaning. No gourmet dinner planned.
Thinking how much I miss the kids.
So far, it’s not going according to my plan
Yes, I’m writing about not writing. I figured it was a good place to start. Writing again, that is.
Let’s face it, I’m not a famous blogger with a huge expectant audience nor am I a mommy blogger with a cult following of close friends and family. And as I have discovered I am not a prolific writer with an ever ending need to put pen to paper. At least, I’m not anymore. Here’s the breakdown of my blog post stats, so you can judge for yourself.
Beyond JEMS Posts
- 181 – Since I started blogging March 08
- 38 – Since January 09
- 5 – Since May 09
I started out strong. Blogging daily, sometimes more than once a day in fact. But I never considered myself a real writer. At least not as much as I wanted to be one. Writing for me was an outlet. A release of pent up emotions and a wild roller coaster ride in the life of a woman, wife and mother of 2 year old twins who had just been served divorce papers.
What baffles me at times is looking back on it all. I mean, just do the math. Last year in less than 10 months, I wrote 143 posts. That’s approximately a post every other day. In the midst of my crisis called life which included going through a divorce, being a single mom, moving 3 times, training to run my first half marathon, starting a new career, and the infamous breaking of my right arm, I still managed to find the time and the where with all to write. How did I find the time?
Honestly, I neglected a lot. A lot of things got pushed to the way side, including cooking and cleaning and more often than not my kids. “Want to watch another movie? OK” to “Please go watch TV” Not something I am very proud of, but it is the truth. My house, as well as my life. was in shambles and more importantly, I really didn’t care. Step over the laundry, do the dishes another day, none of it really mattered. It can wait. I have to write. I have to dive in to these emotions right now or I will burst. That’s how I did it. Again, nothing I am really proud of writing about now, but it is the truth.
Healing is an all consuming process at times. Did my kids suffer? Yes, superficially, temporarily. But permanent, long term effects? Maybe. I’m not sure. My therapist says no. But he can discuss it with them when they’re 20, deep in their own life crises and blaming some of it on me I’m sure. But it was all that I could do at the time. It was cathartic. It was my way of keeping me sane. In fact, I defended it to the nth degree when challenged at times. I remember a conversation with my sister, when she was lovingly telling me she didn’t understand why I did A, B, and C, instead of X, Y and Z. My reply was something to the effect of “Well, the last time I checked your husband didn’t divorce you and move to Europe leaving you to raise two small children alone. But if that happens, be sure to let me know how to deal with it the RIGHT way. You seem to be an expert all ready.” I’m sure you can hear the words dripping with sarcasm as you read. Oh, and they were. I was horrified by most people telling me I was doing it all wrong, when they had never come close to my circumstances. So I kept writing.
Then life changed. Things slowed down a bit. I started some freelance web design work, bought a house and settled in, kind of. The kids started doing better in school and having fewer nightmares. I started feeling whole again. And that’s when my need to write started to dwindle. Partly because life had taken on a new schedule with work and soccer and single mama madness. And partly because I was no longer in the midst of a crisis trying to find my way out and using blogging as a way to do it. I just had less to say because there was less drama I suppose.
To further the distance between my writing and me, I started a new relationship with an old high school friend. That’s when my muse left me for good it seemed. Not only did I write much less, I twittered less too per my Twitter friends. As I ventured in to this new long distance relationship, I didn’t feel the urge to write as much. I didn’t have as much to say to just anyone who should stop by my blog. Instead I talked to him. John became my new best friend. The one who I poured my heart and soul out to on a nightly basis, sometimes for 3 to 4 hours at a time. My writing muse had turned in to a talking muse. Poor guy! But seriously, we loved it! There is nothing like a long distance relationship to really encourage volumes of oral communication.
Sure there have been plenty of times I have felt like writing or had something to write, but they were just pushed to the wayside. Now I had to clean the house, make dinner and do the dishes. Ok, that’s a joke, I cook dinner, John does the dishes. But I felt myself staying more in touch with daily life and family stuff. Now my nights and spare time are spent with John and the kids. We sit down at the table every night for dinner. I enjoy cooking again. When the kids go to bed, I don’t turn on my laptop to occupy myself. More often than not, John and I watch a movie or do crossword puzzles. Yes, we’re geeky crossword puzzle freaks.
But I think I miss writing. I wish I felt like I had more to say or time to say it. In fact, the only reason I’m writing right now is because the kids are out of town at my dad’s and I felt inspired at 2:30 am. So knowing I won’t be up at the crack of dawn with little ones wanting waffles, I decided why not just bite the bullet and go write.
As I sit outside on my deck writing and listening to the crickets sing their late night song, I am enjoying myself. It feels good. John constantly tells me I have to take more time for myself to do the things that I love to do just for me. And I think he is right. I’ll let you know when I post again.
Take care my friends!
Do marketers really think we are that stupid? YES
I’ve been bombarded with tweets, in addition to seeing side ads, etc. for blogs offering to show you how “Amanda lost 35 lbs using these two over the counter products” or “I’m a SAHM who whitened her teeth for free. I’ll share my secret with you for free”
UGGGGGGG!
Now I guess these wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t occasionally click on them hoping to find someone’s story. Just like some of my stories. Mind you, I don’t advertise them on FB, but I do tweet about my stories. So I figure that maybe there is something to the tweet and it’s worth a click to check it out.
WRONGGGG!
This is what I get… Rachel Ray Blog – I lost 52 lbs. I like Rachel Ray. I think she’s cute, charming, and down to earth. Just a little to peppy for me some days. But hey, I love hearing other peoples success stories. Besides, she’s lost weight and we kinda have the same body type, so it’s worth a look, right?
WRONGGGG AGAIN!
It’s not Rachel Ray at all. It’s Alyssa’s Blog telling me about how she followed Rachel’s diet & it worked & as an added bonus she is going to show me how to get the stuff for free. Lucky me. There are even comments under her story from other people thanking her for her story & free offers. What a girl, right?
WRONGGGG AGAIN!
Something seems to be wrong with this blog… Comments are closed, all the links at the bottom of the page are bad, all the side likes: About Us, Contact Us, Privacy Policy, etc. all link back to the page you are actually on. The only link that seems to be working it to go buy the products they are selling.
So why set it up to look like a blog? Do they think we are that stupid? Do marketers think if we can’t have a chat (leave comments) with Alyssa or go to any other page on her blog that we will believe she is even for real? It’s really bothersome. If this works to fool some people, these people should be quarantined and sterilized, thus preventing them from having children. No sense in dumbing down future generations.
I will now remove myself from this soapbox and let the rest of you go back to work. Ahhh I feel so much better getting this off my chest.
Have a nice day!
That is your Google Quotient. Career Distinction has a neat little tool called an Online Identity Calculator or your GQ.
A while back I started reading a few blogs on branding, marketing and online community presence. I’ve been very in intrigued by watching Cheryl Smith on Twitter. She makes contacts, networks and connects people like nobody’s business. She gets it. She’s owning it. Her name. Her brand. And she’s working it. I’m learning a lot just from watching her tweet.
Then there are others that claim to be about a brand or a passion and yet they dont display that much in their blog or their tweets. Since your online reputation today significantly impacts your brand and your potential income flow, it’s not only necessary to manage that reputation it is potentially fatal if you don’t.
Now, I don’t claim to have a brand or an online presence of any kind. Remember I’m just getting through this transition in my life. But in preparing for the next phase of this life, I am definitely keeping an eye on how people interact and use social media to enhance their brand and engage others in knowing who they are and what they are about.
Career Distinction has a unique little tool that grades your Google Quotient, aka your brand exposure.
I tested it out. Here’s my score for my name, Amy Halleran, & BeyondJEMS. Oddly enough although the technical input was different for each, my overall score for both was the same – Digitally Distinct
Online Identity Calculator
Congratulations. You are digitally distinct!
This is the nirvana of online identity. A search of your name yields lots of results about you, and most, if not all, reinforce your unique personal brand. Keep up the good work, and remember that your Google results can change as fast as the weather in New England. So, regularly monitor your online identity. That way, if something negative, such as an anonymous ad hominem attack on your character on a blog, crops up, you can address it quickly, before it gets out of hand. Read Chapter 11 of Career Distinction: Stand Out by Building Your Brand for more ideas on how to continue to build your brand online.
The Appomattox
This is an odd statement to start out with, but isn’t it so true. It was prompted by a friend’s tweet regarding this week being filled with tragedy for so many.
Yes, yes it has. But isn’t every day for someone, somewhere. Are you following me?
Many people in the Franklin, TN area have been following the progress of Josiah Berger, the son of Grace Chapel’s senior pastor, Steve Berger. Josiah was involved in a car accident and has been proclaimed brain dead. Since the event there has been a wave of prayer surrounding the globe for God’s intercession. The support befalling the family has led Vanderbilt Medical Center to request the family to stop receiving visitors, which I personally have never heard of before. It is an amazing testimony to the love and support of so many. And many are probably strangers linked by the wondrous social media tool, Twitter. Of course, this is how I first heard of Josiah.
While yesterday on the East coast, in the small town of Petersburg, VA, a young man named Jason took his own life. He hung himself down by the Appomattox River. Someone noticed and called 911, but it was too late by the time they reached him. There was no prayer vigil, there was no twitter outcry for support for the family, there was only a few emails between friends. He was a friend of John’s. He was in his early twenties and from what I gather did not have the easiest life. He struggled and John’s description of him really took me aback. He said he was insignificant. Not in the harshness of a life that had little value, but that he was one who was rarely noticed. He never made a fuss about anything, never called attention to himself. He was quiet, along for the ride, simple.
Of course, John’s greatest regret is not reaching out to him more. Not making him feel like he belonged more. That he could get through whatever it was that was hurting him so badly. But John didn’t know that this is what he needed because he lived his pain in the shadows. No one knew.
As so often is the case for all of us.
Each and every one of us encounter strangers, acquaintances and even friends who are living in pain, and yet we don’t know. We are either too busy to notice or they are too good at hiding. So before you jump to conclusions about someone’s ‘perfect life’ or rush to judgment about someone ‘getting what they deserve’; step back and ask yourself if you really truly know who they are and what they are living.
Grant each other grace because you never know what tragedy has occurred in their life today.
I haven’t posted in quite a while because life has been busy and taken me on some new wondrous adventures. Until now, I haven’t been comfortable sharing this new, special part of my life. I think I wanted to keep it all to myself for a while. But I want to start writing again, so that’s going to change.
Below is an article written by my friend, Mari Hardenburg. She’s the editor of Petersburg People’s News and is close friends with my boyfriend John. (That’s the new special part I’ve been keeping to myself)
I’ve known John since I was 14. We reconnected last September, yes, via Facebook (gag). But this spring life took a u-turn for both of us and now John is moving to Franklin, TN. All the stuff in between September and now, I will share later, or maybe not 
.
As I have spent quite a bit of time in VA over the last 6 months I’ve learned that John is friends with many, many folks from Petersburg. But that’s not a surprise to me because everyone who meets John loves him. It’s been that way since we were kids.
The reason for sharing this article with you is to introduce you to John as people see him today in his community. Not through my ooey-gooey, love fogged, rose colored glasses, but from their perspective, not that it’s much less biased. Ha!
Ladies and gentleman, I have the great pleasure of introducing you to John Marler.
A Fond Farewell to Johnny $
The day before Java Mio was scheduled to open I had just about given up. There 
was no way all the work could be done and we could open on time. My fatalist Capricorn nature kicked in and there was no convincing me otherwise.
Enter John Marler, aka Johnny Dollar. By 3 AM, construction of the stage hadn’t even commenced. The place was in complete disarray – the bookshelves weren’t positioned or stocked, inventory was strewn all over the floor, the bathrooms hadn’t been outfitted, and half the art and menu boards were still on the ground.
For those of you who don’t know him, John Marler is a Petersburg institution. For nearly a decade John has served drinks at the Brickhouse Run. Whether in the capacity of bartender, tour guide, or citizen extraordinaire, this man has given to Petersburg and brought us together as a community. My husband and I owe the achievement of Java Mio’s grand opening to two people, stage designer and builder Todd Davis and pillar of the community John Marler.
In the wee hours of the morning, I felt exhausted and defeated. My last words were “There’s no way we’re opening tomorrow”. My husband and Johnny $ convinced me to go home and sleep and promised that when I arrived we would be ready to open. So I went home and tossed and turned for a few hours. When I walked in the door at dawn’s crack, Van was straightening books, Todd was hammering the last nails into the stage, and John was vacuuming up sawdust. I was speechless.
As I counted money into the register and began brewing coffee all I could say was “Thank you”. The sacrifice John made that night by staying up around the clock to help us meet the deadline exemplifies his character. John has been the most popular bartender here in recent memory. He has given his time, his labor, and his attention to all of us. Petersburg is losing a devoted friend with an unparalleled ability to listen – a critical skill for a bartender that John mastered like no other.
Tonight is John Marler’s last night as bartender at The Brickhouse Run. It is a bittersweet moment as I watch him making drinks and serving friends. I’m happy for him, but sad for us. We’ll miss your warm welcome, your genuine smile, and your undying love for Petersburg. Farewell friend.
