See, I had them til Christmas morning, then they boarded a plane heading to Detroit with their dad to stay til New Years Day.
That’s all good & well. I have a calendar full of things to do. I’m working at the Y a bit and concentrating on finishing the website (another post). I also have two rooms in the house to finish organizing and then there’s the consignment sales approaching in February. They’re a load of work. And of course, I have 3 dinners, a girl’s day out and a New Year’s Eve Party. So it’s not all work.
But at night, when it’s quiet and I’m done for the day… I miss them so terribly. I miss the snoring, yes, Jacob snores. I miss the “Mom, I’m thirsty” I miss the “Mom, I have to potty” I miss the “Mom, (insert fake cough here) I’m coughing” I miss the “Mom, I’m sad” I miss every single excuse their creative little minds can muster to get out of bed. The house is too quiet.
Yes, I’m fickle. Every mother is I suppose. Because while we dream of me-time as the little ones we care for are running us ragged, we can tolerate only so much of the solitude we long for because our heart strings pull us back again only to crave the noise and chaos of our kids.
Maybe I’m fickle more than most or maybe I cycle more rapidly. Without any support from their father, I have them full time 24-7. That was a hard transition to make for me. I felt panicked and claustrophobic, a prisoner in my own house, my own life. And my captives were my children. Sounds horrible doesn’t it. Well, at a minimum it sounds selfish. But that’s what it felt like.
When you are the sole caregiver, it can be an adjustment and it can also take its toll on you, physically and emotionally. That’s why you need build in breaks. And it’s more than just a few hours a day while the kids are in preschool. It also means some nights too. Going out to dinner with an adult or just by yourself. I cherish those evenings. Overall I’ve adjusted. I’ve gained a better balance and we are in more of a routine than before. We are settling in to life as we know it and just taking it day by day.
But right now in this moment, I miss them so. They’ve been gone before to stay with family and I was fine. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe it’s because I’m sick and have been in bed all day. Maybe it’s because I just love them so much.
In the end the reason doesn’t matter. It’s good to miss them.
I love you, my blue eyed beauties! I can’t wait to see you. Love, Mom