For some silence is golden. It represents a time of personal reflection their time to be with God. And for others is just may be time to be still and let go of the noise that this world brings to us every waking moment. The endless sequence of rings, pings and tones indicating that we are connected. But for others silence can be deafening, it can be a death toll, a countdown of time passing until we can be connected again.
This past weekend I was without the kids for the second time. It was something I approached with a little apprehension and at the same time with welcomed relief. Being a single mom of soon to be 3YO twins is not easy at times. They are becoming so independent. It is so hard to fight a battle of wills without breaking their spirit. So anyone with children can understand that getting a break, via the Ex’s weekend with the kids, it somewhat welcoming just from the releif aspect alone.
The apprehension part comes based on my last experience being without them. You can read about that HERE. I was concerned about ending up back on the island. Or for the non-Lost addicts in the crowd. I was concerned about letting the depression and isolation of being alone immobilize me. So I came up with a plan to avoid it by scheduling activties with some new friends and timing out my weekend so effectively I was not alone. Hidesight, that didn’t really seem like a very smart plan either and I’ll get to why in a second.
Unfortunately, my Saturday brunch had to cancel and although I had a back up offer I decided I would not pursue it. I didn’t really feel very well and I thought I needed to get some rest. But something else happened too. For the first time in a while, I was alone in the silence, with my thoughts and it was ok. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad.
For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’m a talker. I can talk your ear off. I have an opinion on everything. I’m not rude or holier than thou or smarter than anyone else. I just like to engage. Give me someone who can meet me with ideas, dreams, interests, passions and we can go for hours and I will be thinking of things I wish I had said 2 days later. It’s just the way my brain works, on… 24/7. That is in part why I am uncomfortable with silence. The other part is the emotional issues associate with this divorce and things going on in my life that just make uncomfortable in my own skin. But for the most part I crave the interaction, the dialogue.
So typically, if I am faced with a period of being alone I will try to fill it with something to avoid being with myself. But that’s not healthy either. Sometimes we need the silence. We need to be able to sit still and breathe deeply and just be. Not necessarily to analyze our thoughts or the day or anything, but just be. So Saturday, when my plans changed I decided that I would be silent. Not a stretch given the fact that my head was hurting and I needed to rest, but actually doing it meant turning off the phone, the TV, and the PC and just letting go. Closing my eyes, sitting still to breate deeply.
There is a sense of peace and calm when we do something thing simple. At least for me there was, this time. It has not always been this way, but it is becoming like this more and more. And if my mind strays, I have to focus on my breathing to help blank it out and drowned out the noise around me. Silence, yes, silence for me is now becoming golden. Glorious little moments alone and at peace.
What do you hear in moments of silence? Do you allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts? Or do you add noise to your life so you don’t have to be ‘with’ yourself?
Addendum: As I have read a few other posts and comments I realized that there was more to this than I shared and wanted to add just a few more sentances. I’m reading a daily devotion called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. I can not say enough about this book because it is reaching me and that is hard to do. So over the weekend when I was experiencing these moments and the silence and stillness and peace here are two excerpts of what Jesus Calling had to say to me…
May 30: Time with Me cannot be rushed. When you are in a hurry, your mind flitters back and forth between Me and the tasks ahead of you. Push back the demands pressing in on you; create a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me. ….
May 31 The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorius gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. All the while, My Peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land. Be still in My Presence, inviting Me to control your thoughts. Let My Light soak into your mind and heart, until you are aglow with My very Being. This is the most effective way to receive My Peace.