I Was In An Episode of Lost

I was on a deserted island (my new house) with strange noises (old house creeks) surrounded by wreckage (boxes of stuff, papers & clothes in disarray) and overwhelmed by the disaster that just took place (divorce). There is little food to eat and supplies are scarce (because I haven’t went to the store). Not to mention, I am being attacked by this black smoky monster who lurks about and strikes when you least expect it (depression/anxiety).  There are people (my blog & Twitter friends) ‘here’ (in Web 2.0) but they are mainly acquaintences not close intimate friends.  I have secrets and a past life no one knows about. (no haven’t killed anyone, not even in self-defense)

I wander the island alone (kids are with the ex) exploring, trying to make sense of how I got here. I keep having random flashbacks to different places and times in my life. (some happy, some sad, some confusing, others disturbing)  They are not in chronological order and have no apparent purpose, but they happen nevertheless.  And then there are the random attacks of the black smoky monster that forces me to hide in the forest (under my covers in bed).  When he is gone, I return to wander some more wondering what I’m going to do next (what will I be when I grow up).

Certainly there are things that need to be done, like gather firewood (go to the store), try to get on a schedule (stop staying up til 3 am and sleeping til 11 am) and developing a plan for what comes next (how am I going to become what I want to be when I grow up). But it’s so easy to get distracted by things here (Twitter & blogging in Web 2.0) that I find it hard to sit down and write out a plan.

I think what I struggle the most with is letting the people (Tweeple & Bloggers) here (Web 2.0) see ‘me’.  I tend to come off as really together: strong, self-reliant, fearless. At least that is what I show the community. Some people call me a fighter, some say that I am cold or aloof. But underneath it all is a girl who is more fragile than she likes to admit. Someone who’s made some bad choices in her life because she was forced to to survive or didn’t see another way. Someone who has been hurt and abandonded emotionally to the point that it has created a wall around her heart. Someone who needs and wants to be loved but is scared of it, doesn’t trust it. Someone in need of help.

What makes matters worse is the fact that I really don’t have any friends here. My close friends are back in the states, in the real world doing things with their families, their kids. Their lives are moving on as if everything is normal and I am not stranded on a deserted island.  It’s not their fault. They are busy and try to make contact with me.  But it’s difficult. Until you’ve been on a deserted island with a smoky monster lurking about you wouldn’t understand.


6 thoughts on “I Was In An Episode of Lost

  1. I’ve been there…I understand. I’ve lived this life, and the rescue wasn’t easy and it didn’t come when I wanted it to. There were days when I felt like the island was the best place for me, days when I didn’t want to leave. But, thank God, Rescue came.

  2. It’s hard to let people in, to show the hurt that’s underneath. I think we’re alike that way. But, some people care enough to wait, to let you show us what you want, when you’re ready.

  3. I like this entry too!! I’m impressed that you can keep up with all the subtle details and allegory’s in Lost. Shamefully, the show lost me after the 2nd season. But if you write a post in any way paralleling life with The Office, I’m all in!!

  4. This was a really sweet post. I read through a few of your other posts tonight, and my heart was really moved. you are right, unless you/ve been on this island its hard to grasp and understand. its heartbreaking. i remember when i was walking through a really hard time i had a one sentence prayer…i’ve fallen god and i can’t get up, please help me. i think i prayed that for 6 months straight 🙂

    anyway, i’m going to be praying for you. its hard to let people in, i know fthis from personal experence. i also know from personal experience what a difference it has made in my life to have a few women friends, who remind me who i am ( when i forget ), that god has a plan and there is hope in my future.

    so i especially pray that god brings key friendships in your life that you feel loved deeply by. that you feel safe with…to share the good, bad, and really bad with :). that you will feel embraced by love.

    thank you for sharing your heart.

    that’s it. thanks for sharing your heart.

  5. Just caught up with your blog. I am loving them! I can so relate to all of them, especially this “Lost” one. Thank you for writing all this down and letting me know that I am not alone in all my crazy feelings. It’s so hard knowing what you have to do, and then doing it-but then all those feelings that are there in your heart make it hard to do what you need to do. If only we could just stop having all these girly emotions! Life would be soo much easier! NOT! (Maybe if we only had the good emotions, maybe if we could have a week with only good emotions! Now that sounds like a vacation to me – where can we sign up for that!) So just keep writing and you know I will be reading. See you on Weds.

  6. Pingback: Speaking of Silence «

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