I was on a deserted island (my new house) with strange noises (old house creeks) surrounded by wreckage (boxes of stuff, papers & clothes in disarray) and overwhelmed by the disaster that just took place (divorce). There is little food to eat and supplies are scarce (because I haven’t went to the store). Not to mention, I am being attacked by this black smoky monster who lurks about and strikes when you least expect it (depression/anxiety). There are people (my blog & Twitter friends) ‘here’ (in Web 2.0) but they are mainly acquaintences not close intimate friends. I have secrets and a past life no one knows about. (no haven’t killed anyone, not even in self-defense)
I wander the island alone (kids are with the ex) exploring, trying to make sense of how I got here. I keep having random flashbacks to different places and times in my life. (some happy, some sad, some confusing, others disturbing) They are not in chronological order and have no apparent purpose, but they happen nevertheless. And then there are the random attacks of the black smoky monster that forces me to hide in the forest (under my covers in bed). When he is gone, I return to wander some more wondering what I’m going to do next (what will I be when I grow up).
Certainly there are things that need to be done, like gather firewood (go to the store), try to get on a schedule (stop staying up til 3 am and sleeping til 11 am) and developing a plan for what comes next (how am I going to become what I want to be when I grow up). But it’s so easy to get distracted by things here (Twitter & blogging in Web 2.0) that I find it hard to sit down and write out a plan.
I think what I struggle the most with is letting the people (Tweeple & Bloggers) here (Web 2.0) see ‘me’. I tend to come off as really together: strong, self-reliant, fearless. At least that is what I show the community. Some people call me a fighter, some say that I am cold or aloof. But underneath it all is a girl who is more fragile than she likes to admit. Someone who’s made some bad choices in her life because she was forced to to survive or didn’t see another way. Someone who has been hurt and abandonded emotionally to the point that it has created a wall around her heart. Someone who needs and wants to be loved but is scared of it, doesn’t trust it. Someone in need of help.
What makes matters worse is the fact that I really don’t have any friends here. My close friends are back in the states, in the real world doing things with their families, their kids. Their lives are moving on as if everything is normal and I am not stranded on a deserted island. It’s not their fault. They are busy and try to make contact with me. But it’s difficult. Until you’ve been on a deserted island with a smoky monster lurking about you wouldn’t understand.