Well, for those of you who read my WCW poetry I hope it was not too disturbing. The emotions that flowed from the poem are about the last six years of my marriage, specifically the last two, which were the most brutal and emotionally devastating. This is what I wanted to discuss. How do you get through the pain?
On Wednesday I worked out with a personal trainer at the YMCA. He showed me different exercises and explained them. I like to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing because it helps me to visualize what is happening to my body, my muscles. I was enjoying it until he asked me to do this ridiculous elevated split lunge on two step stools. Seriously?
Right now, training for me has one main goal of improving my running. One way we work to meet this goal is to improve my hip strength & motion. So facing the two stools, I climbed up knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it. And it did hurt; my legs were on fire that night! The next day I could barely walk and it was a run day for me. What to do?
Do I put myself through more pain running? Or do I rest and recoup? What would be the best decision to help me prepare for the 5K on Saturday? I wanted to go take a bath. But instead, I went texting for help from Mr. Tri Guy. He said – Go run! So I went to the Y knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it. (Are you seeing the theme yet?)
The day that I realized that I could not fix my husband, nor was it my responsibility was a painful day. I felt like a failure. But what I had endured for years as an adult was not acceptable for my kids. They couldn’t understand his addictions or rages, they just suffered it and I had to protect them. I had to take the next step knowing it was going to hurt a lot but the end result would be worth it. I asked him for a separation, promising not to divorce him if he would get help. I knew separating would be painful, but I hoped he would work through his issues and want us back, thus it would be worth it in the end.
He served me with divorce papers 1 week later.
Sometimes we have to make hard painful choices in life, such as ending a relationship or a marriage. But you have to look beyond the pain to the future and realize that as much is it may hurt, eventually it will take you to a better place. Like running when my legs were dead. I knew it was going to hurt, but I knew it would be better for the weekend run.
This is how I’ve had to face my divorce. I know it is going to be painful for me, and my kids, at times. Moving out was painful, losing some friends has been painful and hearing my daughter cry because she wants Daddy to live with us in the new house is painful. And with those days, those moments, I run through them or write through them to help get through the pain. It also helps knowing that it is only temporary, even on the worse days, because there is always another day.
These are the days I look to… the days beyond. These days give me hope. These days inspire me to keep building a life for me and my kids that will bring us more joy and peace. These days are open and priceless because they are my days. Now I have the freedom to make miracles happen, to make dreams come true.
That is exactly what I’m doing my friends. Isn’t that exciting?! Some of my friends and family do not understand the choices I am making right now… blogging, twittering, changing careers. It’s baffling for them that I’m 39 becoming a girl geek who wants to be involved in missions. But isn’t that the best example I can set for my kids? Isn’t that the best thing I can do for them? Let them be witness to my life and how you face tragedy and pain and look to the future and reach out to help others and keep pushing forward. I know it will be self evident in the long run. I am going to make a positive difference in my life, my kids’ lives and in the lives of others. I’m going to make miracles happen and dreams come true! Stay tuned to see how I do… J