Right now, it’s 1:45 am on Tuesday morning. My kids are sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor of my sister’s bonus room. I’m on the couch with my laptop trying to figure out what to say to you tonight. I’m frustrated. I’m tired but I can not sleep. I’m trying to figure out our next step. We can not go HOME tonight.
Is there a glimpse of sanity
amongst all of this madness?
My family & friends warned me this would happen. But I just thought they were being overly concerned. They were right. I was wrong. And I know that they wish it was just the opposite. My sister nailed it over a year ago easy. My exTBD’s need to control me is becoming blantant instead of his typical passive manipulation. He has called friends and asked them not to do things with me, he’s blocked Twitter on my cell phone, and on Sunday he said that he was not going to pay me temporary support as agreed, more specifically he was not going to let us move to our new HOME. He was not going to let me leave. I was going to have to stay with him. This is not about reconciliation, this is about having power over me. Need I remind you that HE filed for divorce & had me served.
So tonight, after a few particularly nasty & frustrating days, I parked my car with the kids in it down the road from my old HOME, asked my neighbor to come sit with the kids while I snuck in to pack some clothes in a bag. Then I brought my family to my sister’s HOME. Which brings me to this moment and leaves me wondering when my life became a really bad “Lifetime Original Movie”?
I have it pretty easy though compared to most of the heroines in those movies. I have to give credit to God, friends & family for that. We have been blessed thus far. The seller of the HOME in Franklin agreed to my final counter offer. My kids are fairly resilient as most children of this age are. They have not been physically abused. My sister & her husband have opened their HOME to us. I’ve had offers from old friends and new friends who are ready & willing to open their HOMES to us too. My Twitter friends are praying for us. And I know who my real friends are for sure. (Ironically, I just read a post on this today) So let me ask the question again…
Is there a glimpse of sanity amongst all of this madness? YES
- Sanity comes from the giving up of material things. It took me a while to let go of the idea of a certain size house with all of the latest. But I have contract on a house that is about 1/3 the size of my current house and comes complete with a very dated decor. But it is beautiful. It is simple. It is freedom.
- Sanity comes from embracing the truth in spite of the pain. I use that word a lot EMBRACE – but that is what really living in the moment is about – embracing it. Putting your arms around it, loving on it, breathing it all in (the good with the bad), and letting it settle in your soul. It is not easy to realize the person who was supposed to love you unconditionally forever is incapable of anything remotely close to that. But embracing that fact makes moving beyond it easier.
- Sanity comes from knowing MY HOME is my children. Not a house or an apartment or my sister’s floor defines where my home is, not for me or my kids. My home is in my heart and in my love and in my children. It is where ever we are together that is safe and secure.
So as I sit here at 3:33 am, having pondered my post and coming to a sane point, I am no longer frustrated. Now I am content. Tomorrow, I mean today, will be a new day in approximately 3 hours when the kids get up and help me keep it real. Thanks for listening. Good night!