I wrote this post in December of 2009. And here it is June of 2012. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.
Wednesday, when the two of us we were walking through Costco, Jacob said, “I miss John. Some days it’s hard not to cry.” My heart sank as I realized how strong my little man is trying to be, for himself and for me. Jacob has had a very hard time since John left about a month ago for the second time. This time for good. I never thought I would be in this position again. Trying to protect their hearts. But this is our reality.
I was reminded of this post as I asked my FB friends for guidance on whether or not I should take the kids to church on Father’s Day or avoid the hoopla. To Ian’s credit, he has developed a better relationship with them in the past 10 months. They know him as their father. But John filled the daily role of daddy and they called him that as a result. Since we have not heard or seen in since the day he left, once again they are left knowing that people – human, sinful, imperfect people – can disappear from your life in a moment.
I hope that I am able to guide them both to this truth – God is our Heavenly Father that will ALWAYS love us and be with us.
“I miss my daddy,” Emma cried.
I’ve heard this more and more over the last month. I guess it is a matter of timing. They haven’t seen him since our trip to Hungary in July. Well, except for about 10 minutes mid-October when he Skyped with them.
The last time he spoke to them was the 3rd week in November. He called mid-December, but the kids were with my dad. He said he would call there, but I’m not sure he did.
That has to weigh heavy on a little one’s heart. Most of the time, I’m sure they just go about their business of life – going to school, church, play dates, family movies, etc. But it’s in the quiet times or times when they get hurt that his absence seems to be more than apparent. This is when they cry out to a father that does not listen.
It’s especially rough during the holiday season. We get photo Christmas cards depicting bright, smiling families – complete with a daddy. They also know they are going to spend time with their daddy at Christmas. And I remind them so it will relieve some of the tension of ‘when’. Then you get questions like this:
“Is daddy coming back to marry us mommy?” Emma asks with such innocent hope in her eyes.
It burns me up! I flood with emotion: anger, frustration, resentment, sadness. I hurt for them. Still. You would think this gets easier over time. But it doesn’t. When your child is hurting it really doesn’t matter if they are 4 or 40, you hurt with them.
For a long time, I didn’t know what to say to the “missing daddy” statement. My standard answer was “I know”. What else is there to say?
“He was a crappy husband and is even a crappier father.”
“What else is to be expected from such a self-centered, ego maniac.”
“It sucks to be you!”
“You’ll be missing him the rest of your life, get used to it.”
There are no words.
At least I thought not.
Then I remember the wonderful book of Isaiah and some of the lessons I have learned this past year and a half. Painful but reassuring lessons that have given me a peace like I have never known. So now, I have a new reply.
“I know. I know you miss your daddy. And I know that sometimes you feel sad and confused. Sometimes the people we love make choices that we don’t understand. It is confusing and sometimes it hurts us. But I know your daddy loves you very much. And you know what else? God loves you even more. God is our Father in heaven. He is my Father and your Father. He is our Father because He created us and loves us more than anyone else ever, ever will. He will always take care of you and be there for you to talk to or ask for help anytime you need it. He is with you always in your heart.”
I often go on to talk about how Mommy loves her and is always here. We talk about Mr. John and Papa, my dad, being there for her too. But I guess that thing that I want her to get, that I never did as a child, is that she is not alone. God is our Father in heaven and He is with us always. She doesn’t have to long for the love of a father because she has it already. Maybe it’s not in the way other kids have it or that she expects it, but it is there.