God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends!

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

What If the Hokey Pokey IS Really What It’s All About?

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t for You

I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

God must love stupid people…He made SO many.

God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t reelect them!

 A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

 When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

 Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

 If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

 I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

 The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.

 I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 Friction is a drag.

 I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!

 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Atheism is a non-prophit organization.

 If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

 While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

 I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 The sex was so good, the neighbors had a cigarette.

 If you smoke after sex, your doing it to fast.

 If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

 Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

 Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

 LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.